Who doesn’t want to have everything under YOUR control? I would love to talk to you if you don’t. Well, I have been someone who has always needed to be in control of what’s going on in my life, growing up, there was so much that was out of my control, that I developed this neurosis and it still haunts me to this very day.
Many years ago, I remember my knees hitting the ground, and I cried to whoever was listening. I hoped that there would be something bigger than me who would hear my cries for help. I suppose its good to give some context to what got me on my knees in the first place. I had moved from Dunedin after finishing my studies back to Auckland and I was looking for a job, I was going through one shitty job after another, money was tight and I didn’t have much support… and I was depressed and lonely, sleeping till 3 in the afternoon and not opening the curtains to let the light in, somehow darkness felt better. I had been trying so hard to make my life work and NOthing was working. Until one day, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I remember crying, kneeling against the bed and praying, “I don’t know what to do, tell me what to do and I will do it, I can’t go on like this anymore”.
Something came over me, tears stopped and I was guided to go on seek and just apply for the 1st two jobs that come up. So I did. And then I went to sleep at 4 in the afternoon. I was woken up at 8am next morning by a recruiter wanting me to come in for interview that same day. I turned up. She got me to do some tests, and once I came out, she had a job for me. It was starting the next day. And of course I took it. I stayed in that job for over 2 years. Also worth mentioning is that at some point while I was still studying, I had a thought, “It would be nice to work for Vodafone”. This job was for Vodafone.
So being a student of life, I was very attentive to the whole process there – relinquishing control, get on my knees, cry, surrender…and then allow for miracles to happen. Simple. Not so when you are control freak like me.
Now let me tell you what a fool I am. Fast forward a year or two, now for the life of me, I can’t even remember what I had been trying to control, maybe it was about a boy or something else, I can’t remember (clearly it wasn’t that important to control if I can’t even remember what it was about). Obviously, it wasn’t going the way I wanted it to so I remembered The Formula!
So what did I do? I went home one night after work and applied the formula. I cried, I got on my knees and pretended to relinquish control and surrender. I thought I was so smart, trying to play God. If I must admit, this was no surrender, it was a tantrum. Only fools pay attention to tantrums, and God? she is no fool. I could almost hear her say, “Oh my darling girl, you just don’t get it yet”. Anyway, so I tried to manipulate God. And of course, nothing worked. What an arrogant idiot I was! The more I tried to hang on to it, further it slipped away. As much as I would like to think that I am a fast learner, this lesson, I have repeated over and over. I should have learned by now, I like to beat myself up, however, I have learned to have compassion for myself and others and I go easy on myself. The whole pattern is starting to dismantle. About bloody time!
Control – if I can use an analogy to explain, it would be this: Its like holding on to sand, the more you try and squeeze it in your hand, it slips through your fingers. And it let the palm stay open, the sand stays too. And that’s surrender and trust. Its the same with anything in life I have learned. I am starting to get the lesson, one day this neurosis will be healed. Until then I will remember to keep the palm open.
I remember New years Eve and I was saying, ” fuck off 2017 for the shit you stirred”. 2018 so far – I am bit wiser, so I would like to say, “Thank you”. I had everything under control in 2017 and I had my future planned out, my life was in order and it looked perfect from the outside. Only that I felt like I was dead inside. So the gift of 2018 (so far) was – it all fell apart. And I am learning to trust the greater Mystery and surrender more. Its becoming a daily practice. And deep breathing. That helps a lot, its helping me right now as I am freaking out over something I have absolutely no control over.