I thought I had dealt with them all until I met a guy who brought them to surface in a matter of few weeks. I remember talking to him and I think I was telling him about how I had come to terms with some aspect of my relationship with my Dad and he had said, “you have got daddy issues”. Hmm, I hadn’t really thought about that.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and he decided that I deserved better and I shouldn’t waste my time with him. Somehow he know that for me and made that decision on my behalf. I didn’t see that coming and it shook me to my core. It hurt so much. More than any previous breakup or anything else in my life. This wasn’t even a break up. Why did it hurt so much? I hadn’t cried so much in my life, not in such a short period of time. I even went on a holiday and hoped that it will ease the pain and I will forget it all. Nope, didn’t happen. Thought about him every single day. And I came back to the same pain, only deeper for I had seen his soul and how beautiful it was. After seeing that, its much harder to then give airtime to the jerk he was being later on.
I had talked to close friends, mentors, coaches – there was a whole lot of mixed advice that I didn’t resonate with. One said to focus on myself and I will find someone better (I am not looking for anyone), another said maybe it was love and what a beautiful gift it is (excuse me? can’t you see me in pain? how is that a gift?), and then there was someone else saying that I can’t rescue him (I wasn’t trying to, he is more than capable of doing that for himself and I am not his mother). So all that was very confusing to my hurting and broken heart. I wasn’t able to sleep and then getting out of bed in the morning was a struggle. I had no appetite. My body systems were all out of whack. Crying myself to sleep was becoming a norm.
At some point, the pain got so much that I was down on my knees praying and asking for help, “What did I need to learn? What am I missing here? Tell me what to do and I will do it”.
Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the light enters you”. I really got that this time. You see, I was about 5 and when my mother died, I was sent off to live with my Dad’s sister and her family. I was never part of that decision. My Dad just decided for me. I was angry at him and had never really had the opportunity to acknowledge and express myself. I was told to be a good girl – whatever that means! And that was the real wound. The pain of that wound was surfacing and I knew it was time to face it and clean it up.
Sometimes, just the mere act of bringing an issue to the light is enough to heal it. I don’t feel particularly angry towards my Dad and that man anymore. My Dad did what he thought was the right thing to do and I am sure it wasn’t easy for him. This man did what he thought was the right thing to do and in some way I can see that he was just looking out for me. So, thank you both of you. Now, that’s a shift in perception, hence a miracle has occurred for me.
One of the principles of Miracles according to A course in Miracles says, “Miracles are both beginnings and endings, and so they alter the temporal order. They are always affirmations of rebirth, which seem to go back but really go forward. They undo the past in the present, and thus release the future”.
So, I would like to say to the men in my life who have made decisions for me without having any input from me – please speak to me before making decisions involving me on my behalf. Can I forgive them? What’s there to forgive? Nothing really. We are all off the hook!
And on a more general note,
- Innocence is much more powerful than logic, innocence is love in its essence. If my Dad had talked to me about his decision, as a child I would have understood. Children are much wiser than we give them credit for and they understand shit on a much more higher level than adults do because they are still closer to God/love than adults. And who knows, maybe we could have come up with a better way of handling our future together and there is the potential of a much more loving relationship which hasn’t existed up until now. I am open to new and more loving possibilities for those relationships in the future. Miracles do happen and only love is real.
- When decisions about love are made from the mind – by thinking and analysing – they are always coming from a place of fear. Love is the matter of the heart – feel into your decisions.
- I can only clean up my side of the street but when I do that, I am affecting change on all levels. Give yourself credit for doing the work and finding peace while you see others fall in the trap of avoiding pain and finding comfort in drugs or any other means of escape which is temporary but peace is forever.
- Relationships are your greatest and most difficult teachers – learn and love. Because, in the grand scheme of things, the love you share is all that matters.
So to the mentor who said, loving someone is a gift, I see the gift in it all now and Thank you for your wisdom.
I will end this one with a prayer, “May we all be given the courage to face our issues and bring more love to this world while we walk this planet”.
P.S. : Given the courage – not have, because not all of us have that kind of courage within us however, you can ask God to give you the courage you don’t have in you. And when you ask, its always given.