Someone asked me if I had valium? My response, “Do I look like someone who has valium?”. Their response: “coz you are always so happy!” In my head, I patted myself on the back, that’s one person who fell for it. Good Job Vineeta! Keep up the great work. Ha! Well, I make the point to look good everyday (at least I think so) and laugh loud enough that people can hear. My Facebook feed is full of positive shit. I choose my focus on my thoughts! Then why Dear God, do I feel so empty?
A dear friend had recently written an article, you can read her work here https://www.positivelypositive.com/2018/06/21/the-power-of-words-how-writing-saved-me-from-suicide/ One of the lines really stuck with me. “A brave face often has a bigger smile and a louder laugh than a clown without a care.” – Kemari Howell.
Now that I think about it, its not just recently that I have been putting on the happy/brave face to the world and acting like its all good in the hood. After my mum’s passing, shit really hit the fan, there was abuse of all sorts – sexual, physical, emotional. And I had the brave face going, after all I laughed at least once a day. No one knew what was really going on. I had them fooled. At least no one questioned me so they must have bought into the happy girl I pretended to be. Or they didn’t care (I would like to think they cared). I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I wanted to run away but never did suicide cross my mind. That just wasn’t an option.
Until today. Within a matter of seconds, I had come up with 5 different ways of ending it all – the suffering, the sadness and the life. I am so resourceful!(and full of myself, some would say). And mind you, there is nothing that terrible going on in my life. I have a good job that I enjoy, I like the people I work with, they seem to like me too which always feels good in the moment. I am free to be – that’s something I had always wanted and I have the freedom that I desired as a child. I have friends who care. I am in pretty good shape. Life’s actually treating me quite well in all honesty. I had just gone on a nice holiday. I have plenty of reasons to be grateful and appreciative of all that I have and I am.
Then why do I feel like I am spiralling down a black hole and there is no way out of it. I know why. I feel empty inside, there is nothing there. There is no meaning to anything. Now be careful what you wish for, because you are going to get it. The suicides of the like of Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain recently had me wonder, “they had everything… then why did they end their own lives? Wonder how they felt that led them to taking their own lives?” I wanted to understand why someone would do that, why someone would choose drugs that could potentially cost them there lives?
Today I know. I understand how they felt and I understand why someone becomes an addict. Now that we are talking about addictions… I have a confession to make. I am addicted to shopping, spending money and carrying a healthy level of credit card debt. (My ex would be horrified, haha). Its not drugs I know and there are people who would tell me that there are worse things to be addicted to. Sure, somehow shopping found me but the drugs stayed away. I am in no position to say that all addictions are same, I don’t know. But at the end of the day, they are all addictions. Surely there are some common themes running through.
For example, one might be that we are addicted to running the patterns of our families/parents. And these can be so deep, on surface we don’t even realise. Sure, my dad is a very generous person but has no handle on his cash. Well, don’t I take after him?! Daddy would be proud, Not! My mother had a thing for beautiful clothes.. id someone knows me well enough, they would see the parallels. Someone I know has a mother who is/was a drug addict, and of course they are too. Another person I know, mummy loves alcohol, of course they do too. Also, I had lost an uncle (he was my favourite) to alcohol when he was in his early 30’s. Guess what I age I am and what I am drinking right now?
Then there is this deep sadness with no bottom. And we are all trying to escape it, through various means – drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, binge eating… you name it.
That brings me to the subject of courage. Before courage, let me tell you about self – righteousness. So just last week, I was telling a friend what their issue was. Like I was somehow an expert on dealing with sadness and depression… and I had just the solution for them. (I know you might read this, and I am sorry my friend). The only reason I picked up on my own self righteousness was because I had a similar incident happen to me. So today I confided in someone who I thought would understand what I was feeling… what did they say? “Pull yourself together, you are better than this”. No shit! And they themselves are a drug addict! I mean who are we to judge someone and dish out unasked for advice when we don’t have our own shit together? I was just looking for understanding. Maybe my friend was too. We are all just looking for understanding and compassion. Just that simple.
Now back to courage. I don’t have any. Not anymore. When I look back at my life, those early childhood and teenage years…to have come out of that shit with all that abuse of all sorts, I had to have some courage. I didn’t. I don’t understand how I have made it this far in life. If it was just me handling these life challenges, I wouldn’t have, I mean I couldn’t have survived. It was fucked, it makes me sick to even think about it. Something carried me through those times. Had to be, there is no other explanation for it. I cry in pain as I think about it all. I don’t know how I got through it. But here I am. Maybe my mother was looking out for me. I always thought that now that she is free of bodily conditions, she somehow has superpowers to make shit happen. I hope she does. Coz, I need help again Mummy dearest!
These are turbulent times on this planet. Families are being torn apart, little babies don’t have their mothers… it breaks my heart. Maybe its the collective pain and sadness that I am feeling and I feel so powerless to change it. In times like these, there is only one thing I know to do – hand it over to God. For God can do for me what I cannot do for myself. So, I will end this one with a prayer.
“Dear God, I am lost and I don’t know what to do. I cannot go on like this. Please take away from me what I cannot handle and have your way with me. My ego is insane. Let me witness the light again for I know the light has come.”
P.S. : This is not a cry for help. Its me finding ways to express myself. If I can’t, there is something much bigger than me taking care of my shit. But thank you for your kindness.