If you have read my previous post, then you might know that my head is in a pretty dark space lately and my sense of humour is getting even darker. A dear friend pointed that out to me today, while I made some joke about dying or something. I don’t even remember what I said. Anyway, this nice man called Alberto (He has given me permission to use his name) in my team, later stopped me and asked me if I was okay and that he was concerned for me. How nice of someone to think about someone else?
I was on the ferry this evening and there were five of sitting upstairs and we were all on our devices. Heads down, fingers scrolling the screens. And then it happened again, a thought occurred that suggested that I could just jump off the ferry into the water and no one will notice. No one. Including myself if someone else decided to pull that stunt. Are we so consumed in our own worlds that we don’t take notice of our surroundings? Are we all so addicted to our devices to not take notice of life happening all around us?
And of course after those thoughts, I went back to my own device. And I saw some post by someone. My response, actually reaction, not response – Judgment. TF (The fuck as in What the fuck? – I learned that today) What is wrong with that person? Such attention seeking behaviour I thought to myself. And then of course, I sent them a message dishing out my opinion (in that moment, I thought I was so wise). So uncalled for. And so judgmental of me. What a bitch I was?! Mind you, there are times when it serves me well to be a bitch but that’s a whole another conversation.
Within the half an hour or so of my dishing out my judgments, came the sobering moments of compassion for that person. And thank God! That I have learned to apologise as soon as I realise that I have made a mistake. Those are some humbling moments. As ACIM says, “Only perception can be sick, because only perception can be wrong”. Judgments are ego’s crafty ways to stay in the drama and trauma. And we ask God to heal the sickness of our minds/ego so that we return to love which is the only thing that’s real. All else is an illusion.
Why is it easy for me to apologise? At some point, I had decided to be take full responsibility of MY actions. I can only clean up my side of the street. To make this one clear, yes, there might be times that someone is being a jerk to you and their behaviour is uncalled for but that’s their business. You are not taking responsibility for them and their actions (Frankly, you don’t know what is going on with them for us to understand why they behave the way they do. We can only accept them as they are and do our work). Only yours, because that’s the only thing you can control. I mean, there are times where I really want to give someone a piece of my mind, those are the times I pray to God to guide me and God’s peace washes over me. And in all honesty, life’s too short to hold on to guilt and regrets.
When you are at peace with yourself, compassion for self and others comes easily. And that was my big aha moment today. I haven’t been kind towards myself. I have been so busy finding faults with myself and beating myself up for one thing or another. And frankly, I can’t justify any of those reasons to beat myself up. I mean they are so pity. While there are plenty of to be nicer to myself. I was so busy trying to give love where its not received that I forgot to love myself. And of course, you can’t give love from an empty cup anyway! So how could they even receive? Silly me!
Tonight, I get out of my head and drop into my heart. The heart knows what needs to be done, mind is there to distract us from right actions. And I get back to the basics – love, gratitude and appreciation (of self and others). Coz this shit really makes the world go round.