On self-sabotage…

IMG_4489I will get to self sabotage, before that two things I would like to rant about that I have noticed lately with myself and other people.

One of them being –  we are so fucking attached to the past – our stories that we keep repeating and telling everyone with so much enthusiasm like we are almost proud of them. We go in great details, of course we can’t keep the details to ourselves! How will they understand? Are they even listening? They are probably busy running their own stories and judging the shit of you and your stories according to their own stories. True presence is rare these days and it makes me sad. I digress, going back to the stories. Okay, I accept that at some point you might want to tell someone that you trust about your past. And that’s okay, it can be told without any attachment to the past.

I remember talking to my friends about how someone in my family said something/did something with such hurt and emotions that I was literally feeling that shit in that present moment. And of course my family still was annoying me in similar ways. Here is a truth bomb for you: “What you give energy to, you create more of”. One day, I stopped telling those stories. And if I was telling someone, there was no attachment, it was what it was. Just acceptance. Those stories don’t get me all worked up anymore. And that’s when they stopped annoying me. We get our power back when we detach from those stories.

Another thing – The shit that comes out of our mouths all day long! We have got to start watching the words we use. They are literally prophecies (I am sure that’s somewhere in the Bible, something to do with God saying to Moses “I am that I am” – I could be completely wrong here but I think I am right. Let me know if I am wrong). I hear people say shit and I cringe at thought of what they are creating in their lives (Thank God, I have the wisdom to keep my mouth shut). I will give you examples from my own experiences to bring home the message. So I had this one liner I used to use until recently and quite frankly I was proud of it, what a clever little line I had come up with… God! it so stupid! Here goes: “I have always been on the chubbier side” WHAT THE FUCK was wrong with me? I have stopped saying that in the last few months and of course I feel lighter and the scales agree. Here’s another one I said just the other day to one of my colleagues, “I have great taste except when it comes to men”.  And I laughed (Girl! what is wrong with you? What a stupid thing to say? Eye roll! WordPress needs to get some emojis going, its hard to express myself. I need the eye roll emoji atleast)! I would like to clarify here, all those men I have had experiences with are lovely. And from now on, I have great taste. Period.

Now, I have just had another aha moment here.. the quality of questions we ask. “what is wrong with me?” will have your ego list a myriad of shit that’s wrong with you. How about asking, “what’s going well for me? What can I be grateful for? what are some of the good things I like about myself?”…. And your brain will find the good stuff too. It just needs direction. Be careful which side you feed, the one you feed will win.

Now, onto the real subject – Self sabotage. Its been a constant in my life. And I am done with it. There are two schools of thought through which I have come to understand the pattern of self-sabotage. There is the Jungian – psychological perspective and then there is the spiritual one. I will speak to both here.

Lets start with Jungian (Carl Jung) perspective. It suggests that we all have a “shadow” part that we don’t want to accept about ourselves, there are things we don’t like about ourselves and we do everything we can to hide them. So we try and keep it all under the radar as much as we can. It can be seen as trying to keep the beachballs under the water. How many can you keep under the water and still swim? As soon as their is a slight distraction, they all bounce to the surface. What does that look like in real life? Shit hitting the fan! For example, everything is going well for you, you are doing well in your job, you go to the gym, you are in good shape, maybe you have met someone you really like and one day you go back to the very thing that you know can destroy you and everything that you are working towards. It could be drugs/sex/alcohol/ – it usually takes form of some kind of addiction. Why not learn to live with the shadows and make friends with them so they give you a warning when they are about to show up in your life and you just might be well equipped to handle them in a graceful manner. (There is much more I could talk about this perspective here – I will do that in another blog)

Moving on to the spiritual perspective ( a lot of my spiritual perspective comes from A  Course in Miracles). So here there is a dark force at play and we are suffering from a spiritual sickness that occurs when we are separated from God. Somehow we have forgotten that we are all children of God and we have separated from God’s Love. The dark force is taking over through the voice of the ego and fear is ego’s most powerful tool. Our egos have us trapped in the old stories and the past so we keep repeating the patterns over and over again. Just as we are doing well in our lives and making progress, the ego sneakily reminds us of our past mistakes and failures and convinces us in a very subtle way that we don’t deserve what we want and of course we go fuck it all up again and again. Until… we call upon our true father and connect to that Love again. Ego convinces us that there are no second chances, however, there is no limit to the chances you can get when you reconnect with God’s Love.

What we need here is spiritual discipline. Surrender – its not a one time event. Maybe hitting the knees on the ground with tears is a one time event if we keep up the practice of praying and surrendering daily. Ego also has us convinced that only we can solve our problems. After all, you know what you are doing, What does God know anyway? Are you sure you are willing to handover all control? You will have no control over anything. That sounds dangerous. What’s dangerous is that voice thats keeping us separate from the one who created us. And we suffer in separation. It will use everything in its arsenal from the past to convince you that you can not have what you want, its just not possible, not for you, for everyone else, yeah but not for you. Fucked right? The good news is, its not only possible but probable only if you can surrender to God/Creator…whatever you call that higher power and reconnect to your true nature.

Your days will be much more peaceful if your day starts with a prayer and asking God to guide you. Take control of your ego, thats the only thing you need to control and give the rest to God. How do you control the ego? Through Meditation, Prayer, journaling, conversations with God, surrendering daily. It will require practice and discipline. Its not something you can change overnight. Be patient with yourself and give Universe some time to recalibrate itself. However, I am always open to miracles (Miracles defined as shifts in perception) and you may be touched by a moment of grace and it could shift the whole trajectory of your life. For with God, all things are possible.

This quote by Marianne Williamson (I love her if you haven’t figured out already from my previous posts. I wish she was my grandmother, I would call her everyday!) sums it all up:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

So here is to a more spiritually sober remaining 6 months of 2018 and the future:

Dear God, Take away from me what doesn’t serve me. I hand my life over to you. Tell me where to go, what to do, and what you would have me say to who. I relinquish all control over my life. I am willing to relearn the ways of love. Thank you.





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