Past couple of weeks have been rough on my soul. Bad attitude, poor decisions, compromised values…. However, it is what it is, and no point beating myself up over it. I accept the responsibility and I can act better in future. There was one very simple conversation that shook me and brought to surface dreams I had long forgotten and most likely given up on.
I was speaking to a friend and I found out that they still live at home with their parents. And what was my first reaction? Judgment! I would like to think I am not someone who is so quick to judge but I did and that person called me out on that (thank you for calling me out on my bad behaviour). They went on telling me about why they live at home and other details. It made perfect sense as to why one would live at home if you get along with your family.
So why did I judge? For one, this person’s experiences are on the opposite end of the spectrum compared to mine with my family. The possibility of having the nice experiences they have with their family did not exist in my mind for myself or anyone. In my head, freedom and family didn’t belong together. My experience has been that I can only be free to be me when I am not with my family, which is sad. Again, it is what it is. However, the key takeaway here is, that what I had deemed impossible for myself is possible for this other person, it gave me hope that in some realm or my future, these lovely experiences with one’s family could be true for me also.
And as I started to entertain the possibility of having a nice, happy family where everyone gets along and yet they are all free to be, I started to remember. When I was kid, I used to daydream about exactly that to escape the reality which was on the completely opposite end of the spectrum for me. I remember a time where most of the family members were arguing and it was something so petty that it made me cry and my aunt asked me why I was crying. Because it didn’t make sense to me to argue with those you love and I didn’t see the point of that stupid argument these siblings were having. There were other similar events throughout the childhood.
And this was the daydream that saved me at those times: I imagined a family that was financially stable and well off, a big home, where everyone was happy and nice to each other. We were all free to be whoever we wanted to be and pursue anything that we found interesting. There was lots of play with the siblings, cousins and friends were welcome anytime they wanted to visit. I was safe and I was free to express myself without any consequences. My innocence was valued and protected. I had the freedom to choose what I wanted to wear. Simple stuff right?!
How could I forget this? When did I become so bitter that I would judge someone for having what I wanted? What had happened to my heart? These questions got too heavy to answer and the tears overflowed so I went and did what I know works best for me to soothe myself – retail therapy – always a pleasure.
I was in the fitting rooms and overheard a mother and daughter shopping together. How lovely! I wondered what it would have been like if my mother was around and we would go shopping together. Sadness started to creep in. However, this time, I knew better. I recognised the possibilities. I could have this experience with my daughter one day. We would have so much fun. And going back to that daydream, I am open to new possibilities. I am willing to entertain the possibilities of that dream in my future. I can have a loving partner and together we would create a safe and stable home for our children. We would teach them values that are truly important – love, kindness, generosity, being good to those around you – just being a good human being. And of course, they will have the freedom to be, do and have what they want.
I can feel the hope rising in my heart and the deep knowing that I will have that, all of that and more. For this is the one thing I know for sure for myself – my deepest desires do come true. So an apology and gratitude are in order. Here we go:
My darling friend, I am so sorry for judging you and offending you, that would be the last thing I would ever want to do. And thank you for being in my life, I so appreciate your presence. Thank you also for reminding me of the desires I had denied myself and for giving me hope by showing me the evidence from your life. If you read this, I hope you would accept my apology and not hold it against me 😦
P.S: Don’t give up on your childhood dreams, you had them for a reason.