I will start with the messed up parts before I get to the good stuff… here we go again, its been a while…
I was giving a friend a piece of my mind today. I said, “You know, I don’t think you appreciate me for what I do for you and all the advice I have given you”.
Then of course, I go to yoga to find my zen zone, and God speaks to me often in my yoga classes. I hear Him ask, “Do you appreciate me?” F!
Then I remember another instance, where this lovely human is asking me the following question, “why do you always like telling me that you don’t need me?” Funny thing, I have always acted like I don’t need anyone as if I have everything under control. Hardly! I have always felt completely out of control – at least in the early years of my life and that left me feeling that I can only rely on myself and I can’t and don’t need anyone for anything. I can handle it all. Again, hardly!
End of January, this was the day of 27 years of my mother’s passing, I was sitting on the couch and wondering what she would be thinking of me today? In the past, the thoughts were always about how I haven’t achieved enough in my life and somehow I wasn’t good enough…. This time, it was different. I was reminded of the place I spent the first few years of my life in. I don’t remember much of it but I did come to the conclusion that I now live in a much nicer place than that. And we are talking about my tiny studio apartment. I have more furniture than my parents had at that time. I am free to be me. I live in Sydney, she probably didn’t even know that it existed on this planet. This line of thought, actually recognising how blessed I am got me thinking further. And boy, am I blessed beyond my fondest dreams! And I had nothing to do with the manifestations of those blessings in my life. Yet, I hesitated to thank and appreciate God for it all. Coz you know, I wanted something really big to happen for me to thank God! Could I be more arrogant?
Anyway, lets recap (some of) the blessings, I do need to thank God publicly and this is the platform I do it on.
- When I was moving to New Zealand from India, my grandmother told me that my mother always used to say that I am going to send my daughter overseas for studies and everyone used to laugh at her. To put this in perspective, she only knew life in a small village and yet she had big dreams for me. To have a mother who didn’t put her limitations on her daughter, I am grateful to have her as my mother despite the short amount of time we had together. And Thank you God, I could not have orchestrated my move from a village to the city, to a new country and then to Sydney on my own, not in a million years could I have figured out the details and line up events like you did. Thank you so much.
- The sexual abuse that I got through, not went through but GOT through, I could not have done it on my own and come out of it the way I did. Somehow, the long term trauma didn’t impact me in the way a lot of sexual abuse victims are impacted. There was so much of God’s grace at play in all of it. And I have forgiven the offenders and pray for them for they must be hurting to hurt an innocent child. Thank you God for pulling me out of the mess and getting me to safety and sanity.
- God has always kept me away from the drug scene and substance abuse of any kind. The trauma from childhood could have easily manifested in some form of drug abuse or self loathing… it never did and I am grateful. It did take form of shopping addiction, for which I am actually grateful because it kept me healthy and at least I dress well. I have always had a thing for the finer things in life. And now that I have been aware of the addiction, I have got a pretty good handle on it. I don’t feel the need to go spending money because God has helped me see enough value in myself that I don’t need to seek the quick highs from external sources.
- I didn’t settle for relationships where my needs were not met. The abusers had me convinced that no one would ever love me. One, that was bullshit! Because God loves me. And the men with whom I was in relationships with did love me. We shared a lot of love and good times, but I loved myself enough to not settle. They were good men and I expected more from my life and things came to an end which I am at peace with. We all deserve to have what we really want. And God didn’t let me settle for a mediocre kinda love. I want it to be magical. And It shall be. So thank you God for giving me the courage to leave when I needed to.
- I am healthy. My body is strong and no major health issues have ever bothered me. Thank you God, that in itself makes me feel so rich! And I can enjoy food.
- All relationships with my family are healed especially the one with my Dad when I had accepted that it wasn’t going to change, God made me change. I followed that guidance and now my dad and I can have a conversation that involves no blame but only compassion and love. Thank you God, I couldn’t have changed that if I tried.
- All my needs have always been met, consistently. And they have been met in a lot surprising ways that I couldn’t have planned for or make them happen. No fucking way! Thank you God!
There are so many more things that I could add to the list here, however, I think I have made my point: God knows what He is doing, So I am going to sit back, relax and Trust. I have let go of the need to control. And gratitude and appreciation have become my new states of mind and being. And I am a much happier person.
Going back to the yoga class, despite my ungrateful attitude and lack of appreciation for what God has done for me, I felt a profoundly deep love for myself that could only come from God. Jesus Christ, Thank you for loving me despite what I have done or not done. Thank you for bringing me this far in life (old Vineeta would say, Thank you, but I can take it from here) and I let you take over my life – tell me what to do and I will do it. Help me become the person you intended me to be. Thank you.